It all began in the summer of 2014. Somewhere around this time, I had this strong desire to have a child. This was not a part of my original plan.
Original Plan: Seth and I were married in the summer of 2013, and originally, I wanted to wait three years before we tried to have children. I think Seth was more open to having kids right away, but I wanted time for us as a married couple. Time to go on dates and enjoy ourselves without children.
A year and a half into our marriage, a switch was flipped and I had the baby bug. I wanted to have a child.
It took a little convincing for Seth to be on board. For some reason, we swapped spots, and he was now the one who wasn’t ready. We talked about it and decided to begin trying at the beginning of 2015. We planned a vacation to Mexico in February of 2015, and in January, I stopped using birth control.
I had been on birth control for almost seven years, mainly due to my unpredictable and sometimes painful periods. In college, I went three months without a period and decided that was strange. I went on birth control to help regulate and “normalize” my periods. I also didn’t want to endure terrible cramps and heavy bleeding, and birth control seemed to be the perfect solution.
After stopping birth control, I didn’t really know what to expect. Within a few months, my periods were all over the place. 30 days, 40 days, 50 days apart. I would get extremely hopeful the months my period was late. Maybe this was the month and we were pregnant! I would pee on a few pregnancy tests each cycle, only to be disappointed with a negative result and a period showing up a few days later.
One Sunday in late June, I felt off. I took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest of lines. Was I really pregnant? I couldn’t hold in my excitement and I told Seth the news.
We were super excited, but also scared at the same time. How were we going to be parents? Were we capable of keeping a little human alive?
We decided to put our fears aside and told our family. We couldn’t contain our excitement. But our happiness was short-lived and we miscarried our first baby on July 14, 2015.
Grief. Complete grief. I was absolutely devastated. I didn’t know how to deal with so much sadness. I lost my father in 2013, but this was a different grief. I was sad for losing someone I never even got to meet. I was sad for myself. I was sad for Seth. I was sad for our parents. I wanted a baby so bad and did not understand why God would do this to us. Now, I realize, it was all a part of His plan.
The sadness I felt inspired me to start my blog and I wrote about our miscarriage. I wanted to write it out and let the world know. I’m not really sure why, but getting my emotions out in writing seemed to help me cope. After I posted about our miscarriage, I was connected with others who experienced similar stories. There was comfort in knowing we were not the only ones. Close friends, old friends, aunts, complete strangers. I was amazed to find many other women who had miscarriages too.
Even though I was still grieving, I still wanted to try. In October, I finally got my period back and we began trying again.
Related Posts: Seven Weeks // The Crazy Things You Do When You are Trying to Conceive // Why 2015 Really Was a Good Year // We Are One in Eight // Lessons on Grief, Loss & Friendship // Connecting with Others Who are Trying to Conceive