We are 1 in 8. We are one of the couples who is impacted by infertility. There. I said it. I am letting it go. I am getting it off my chest. I’m letting you know that I am okay. We are okay. And we are getting through this together.
It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and it is time for me to open up and share what Seth and I have been going through. I want to share my story for many reasons. Writing serves as therapy for me and when I get my feelings out in words, I feel better. Once I write it down, I can turn the page and try to start a new chapter. I want anyone who is struggling with infertility or a miscarriage to know that they are not alone in their struggle and pain.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. That means that 1 in 8 of your friends, on average, will struggle with infertility. It could be your sister. It could be your coworker. It could be you. A lot of times, couples will remain silent on this issue, because they want to be strong. They might be afraid to let others know. They might even be in denial that there is a problem to begin with.
Seth and I have been trying to conceive since early last year. Four months into our journey, we were ecstatic and shocked to find out we were pregnant, only to have our hopes and dreams crushed when I miscarried two short weeks later.
My memories of my pregnancy are beginning to fade, but what I do remember is the feeling of pure bliss, knowing that I was going to be a mother and Seth was going to be a father. It was an exciting buzz of emotions and I couldn’t wait to bring life into this world.
After my miscarriage, I lost trust in my body and I lost trust in God. I cried out, cursed and bargained. Even though we only knew we were going to be parents for two weeks, we were already beginning to form an idea of who this child would be and how they would change us.
Despite the pain we felt, I was so eager to try again. I waited and waited for my period to return so we could start over. It took months for my period to come back, and in October, I finally started a new cycle. My next few cycles after that were very far apart, and not the average 28 days. 74, 40, 46...I was growing impatient and starting to feel frustrated.
People were getting pregnant all around me. I was embarrassed to find myself a little envious of their joy. Why couldn’t that be us? That was us in June, and now we have nothing, except for unpredictable cycles, negative tests and a paranoid mind.
I had visits with my doctor but it wasn’t until last month that we had a serious conversation about what might be going on and made a plan of attack.
There are days when my hope waivers and I am fearful of what is to come. Then there are days when the sun couldn’t shine any brighter and I feel like I can conquer it all.
My husband has been my rock through this whole messy year. I couldn’t do this without him. Calvin has been my furry baby, when I couldn’t have a baby human of my own. My faith in God has been shaken, tested and strengthened, but is ultimately, what gets me through each day.
To anyone who finds themselves on a similar path, know that you are not alone. It’s okay to have bad days. Sad days. Crabby days. Angry days. It’s okay to feel a little jealous of that pregnant belly in the grocery store or dread going to your cousin’s baby shower. It’s okay to talk about what you are going through and it’s more than okay to ask for help.
You are not alone. We are not alone.