Almost four months ago, Seth and I were surprised to find out we would be expecting a baby. We felt a variety of emotions including excitement, worry, shock and happiness, but most of all, we were thrilled to be starting the journey of parenthood together.
After a few weeks of finding out the news, we went to the doctor to get things checked out. I still remember the sound of the ultrasound tech's voice when she told us she didn't see a baby and she would need to get a doctor. My heart sank. I had that lump in my throat that hurt and I couldn't even look at Seth. The doctor came in and told us it was possible we miscarried or that we were not as far along as we thought. She recommended we come in for more blood work two days later. If my HCG levels doubled after two days, that was a good sign and I was probably just earlier in the pregnancy than I had thought. If my HCG levels went down, I was probably miscarrying. On Sunday, my levels were drawn and I waited all day to hear from urgent care. By the end of the day, I did not hear a word, so I called the nurse line and was told that my levels had dropped. I have never felt so heartbroken in my whole life.
Early on Tuesday morning, I miscarried. I know all experiences of miscarriage are different, but mine was extremely painful, both physically and emotionally. I got up out of bed and immediately fell to the ground and couldn't get up. I was having contraction like pain and I had never experienced anything that hurt this bad before. Seth called the nurse line and she gave us some comfort in knowing that what I was going through was normal. I remember feeling cold because my clothes were drenched with sweat. Seth stayed up with me through the night. I cried. We held each other.
These last three months have been a roller coaster of emotions. There are days when I feel so hurt knowing what Seth and I had lost. We were given the gift of parenthood and it was taken away so soon. There are days when I feel hopeful, knowing that others have gone through similar experiences, and have been able to give birth to healthy babies later on. There are days when I've felt cheated out of motherhood. I know these feelings are normal and it will hopefully get better with time.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance month and I want to recognize what we have gone through, what others have gone through, and acknowledge that we are not alone.
Miscarriages are more common than we think. They say that 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. If anyone is hurting today or if you are hurting tomorrow, find comfort in knowing that it is okay to talk. It is okay to reach out and ask for help, advice, support or a hug. I have found that talking about my story has helped me heal tremendously. I also know that this entire experience is a process and will take time.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to because they are struggling with infertility or a miscarriage, my door is always open. Our stories might be a little different, but what we've experienced is painful and I know it has felt good to talk and be heard.
To my little angel in heaven-we love you so much! Thank you for making me a mother and Seth a father. We will meet again someday.