I am about a month away from becoming a mother. A month! Nesting is in full swing. The nursery is pretty much complete and I have most of my essential baby items that will be needed in those first few weeks.
I have a stockpile of diapers and all of his clothes are washed and put away. His books are sitting on the new white shelves ready to be flipped through, read and chewed on.
What scares me most is that I have no idea how to be a mother. No matter how much I prepare and pack and clean, I have no clue how to do this parenting thing. The only experience I have with infants is a few babysitting gigs with my cousins. Other than that, I am totally new at this. Greener than green.
Some people have asked me if I am scared for labor. I am probably being naïve, but I have no fear right now. The pain I felt during my miscarriage gives me a glimpse into how labor might feel. I still remember lying on my bathroom floor, unable to speak to my husband, because my insides were contracting and trying to get rid of something. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. Maybe it was so painful for me because I didn’t know it was going to feel that way and I was scared.
I am actually excited for labor. Call me crazy, but I cannot wait until the day comes. What will I be doing? What will I be wearing? Will it be while I am at work or at home in the middle of the night? I cannot wait to see how our baby’s story unfolds.
And what excites me most is that after all of the pain and laboring, I get to meet him.
I finally get to meet my baby boy.
It’s been a long journey for us to get to this point and I feel like the moment is going to be so surreal.
He won’t know for a while how much we waited and prayed for him. One day, I will tell him how incredibly special he is to us. I will tell him that if we didn’t have our time of waiting, hoping and praying, we wouldn’t have him. If I didn’t walk through those dark, cloudy days, I wouldn’t have my little bright sunshine.
If things had gone according to my plan, I wouldn’t have my son.
God knew exactly what He was doing when He made us wait. He had a plan in place. Even though I had trouble seeing that some days, I am so glad I stayed hopeful and persistent and didn’t give up. I am so thankful for my husband, who stood by my side through all of this and cheered me up and on. He was my rock.
I had a dream about my son the other day. He was about six months old and so cute. He had lighter hair and blue eyes, which I’m not even sure is possible, but he looked like a mix between my dad and Seth when they were babies.
The dream got me so excited to become a mom. Even though I haven’t changed a million diapers or already forgot how to perfectly swaddle a baby, I am going to learn. It will be challenging at times, but it will also be fun. I am looking forward to being green at something.