The Singing Heart

Have you ever found something that makes your heart sing? Maybe it’s playing an instrument, cooking a delicious meal, or painting a picture. Maybe it’s hiking in the mountains, teaching little kids how to read, or building something out of wood.

I think writing makes my heart sing.

The other night, after I put Silas to bed, I sat on the couch with Seth and told him I was feeling a little down. I couldn’t quite figure out why.

After talking with him for a bit, it became more clear: I miss writing.

I miss having a creative outlet and a way to express myself. Writing is my form of therapy. And I have not been keeping up on it. Amidst the diaper changes and story times, I have discovered the art of self-neglect in the most innocent way.

It feels so good to get my thoughts out on paper (metaphorically speaking), releasing them into the world.

It’s like letting a giant breath out of your lungs, knowing you will feel better on the next inhale. Sometimes, the words you write can even be a gift to someone else. Your words might inspire, uplift or teach. They might make someone laugh, cry, or gain hope.

Not only does writing help me, but it might impact someone else. That thought motivates me.

I need to find time to write again. Whether that is squeezing it in during nap times or waking up before the rest of the house, I have to find time to sit in silence and do something for myself.

When I write, I am happy. I am a better mom, wife and friend. Writing makes me a better person overall. And when we are working to be the best versions of ourselves, the future is limitless.

Journey to Motherhood Series: Ovulation Predictor Kits, Temperature Tracking & Ovulation Meds (Plus: Video of Me Sharing the Good News!)

By the middle of winter 2016, I was growing impatient. I started using Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) and a Basal Body Thermometer to track my temperature. The key to using the OPKs is to buy the cheap ones on Amazon. (They even throw in some bonus pregnancy tests!)

Starting around day 10 of my cycle, I would pee on a stick at the same time each day. You go through a lot of these sticks, so that is why it is important to purchase the inexpensive ones online.

Unlike pregnancy tests, you always get two lines on the ovulation test, but the key is to watch for the test line to be darker than the control line. Once you think you think that has happened, you use a more expensive, digital test to confirm that you are about to ovulate. If this is the case, you get a beautiful smiley face like this one here.  

A positive digital OPK on the top. A positive cheap test on bottom. Woohoo!

I also began using an app on my phone called Kindara, which helped me track each cycle. With Kindara, you take your temperature each morning and log it into the app. It spits out a neat graph that helps you detect when you ovulate each cycle.

When you ovulate, your temperature spikes by 0.5 to 1.0 degree, so you do not know it has happened until afterwards. However, if you track your temperatures each month, you will begin to see a pattern for your cycles and have an idea of approximately which day you ovulate on.

After tracking my cycle for a few months, I was beginning to see that my cycles were all over the board. They varied in length and ovulation was always questionable. Sadly, smiley faces on the OPKs were not a regular occurrence for me. 

I made an appointment with my OBGYN and we decided to try Clomid, a drug that helps your body ovulate.

During my first month on 50mg of Clomid, I did not ovulate, based on tracking my temperature and the OPKs. I also had an ultrasound on cycle day 12 and didn’t have follicles growing.

We decided to up my dosage to 100mg and I ovulated the next three cycles, all confirmed with growing follicles, happy little smiley faces and temperature spikes. Something was working, but it wasn’t leading to a positive pregnancy test.

We went to see my doctor again to discuss our next steps. She informed us that we would only have a total of six cycles taking fertility medication before we would need to go somewhere else and see a specialist. I had two more cycles left with my doctor and decided to change to another ovulation medicine called Femara. Like Clomid, it helps your body ovulate and some women have more success with it.

In addition, I also decided to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test completed. This is a radiology procedure where dye is injected into your uterus to see if your Fallopian tubes are open and if your uterus is of regular shape. My doctor mentioned that sometimes, the dye will help push out leftover cell debris that is inhibiting sperm from reaching an egg.  

I was warned that the procedure could be a little uncomfortable and somewhat painful. During the procedure, I did feel some pain, but was relieved when it only lasted a minute or so. I was also relieved to find out that my fallopian tubes and uterus looked normal.

That month, I also received a tip to make an appointment with the fertility clinic, since they book out months in advance. I made the appointment and went on enjoying my summer, celebrating our friend's wedding up north, a friend’s bachelorette party at Lake Okoboji, and eating some of Minnesota’s best food at the State Fair.  I did my best to keep my mind off of trying and relax. 

But the end of this cycle was different. Instead of disappointment, we were greeted with a beautiful positive pregnancy test. It was like this little light in a dark room. It was the hope I kept hanging onto.

When it happens after months of trying, you almost don’t even believe it. I ended up taking a few pregnancy tests just to make myself believe it was true.

I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was finally pregnant. I wanted to tell everyone and share our good news. But with our past miscarriage, I was cautiously optimistic.

We went in for an ultrasound at six weeks and we saw a beating heart. It was so small, but it was there, flickering away on the screen like a little light. I just knew in my heart that this time, it was different.

Related Posts: Seven Weeks // The Crazy Things You Do When You are Trying to Conceive // Why 2015 Really Was a Good Year // We Are One in Eight // Lessons on Grief, Loss & Friendship // Connecting with Others Who are Trying to Conceive // The Early Months of Trying to Conceive

The Year I Became "Momma"

And just like that, another year is coming to an end. How do the years go so fast? I swear I was just celebrating last New Year's Eve, with a pregnant belly and grape juice in hand. Now, I write in temporary silence, listening for cries from the monitor. 

2017 was a really great year for our family.  I would say that the best part of the year was the birth of our son, Silas. 

It was a year of transformation, both physically and mentally.  My body was stretched to the max (I have Tiger Stripes to prove it), working hard to produce a "mini me". It is amazing what our bodies can do and I am still in awe that I was able to grow and deliver a little human. I look at him sometimes and wonder how in the world he fit inside of me. 

Recovery was another story.  My summer was kind of blurry, as I was trying to figure out how to take care of my little being, and also navigating through some sickness. I fought off two bouts of mastitis, and as a result of my antibiotics, I developed a nasty stomach infection, known as C. Diff.  I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but am so thankful I am healthy now. 

After I had Silas, I stepped down from my position at work to be a stay-at-home mom. I knew I would miss my daily interaction with coworkers and planning events, but felt that being at home with my baby was what I needed to do. About four months postpartum, I was asked if I wanted to work one day a week, and I knew I couldn't pass up the opportunity.  I am so grateful to be at home with Silas most of the time, but feel fortunate to have the opportunity to work one day a week doing a job I love. 

I gained a new title this year: Momma. Silas has said it casually, but I don't think he knows it's referring to me. We will work on that in 2018. :) 

I love being his mom. He is the greatest gift and I am still in awe that he is mine. He is joyful, curious and loud. He is also a little stubborn and loves to just sit on his butt and play with toys. I would consider him a foodie; he has tested, tasted and played with pretty much everything we have given him. Seth would say he is a true Momma's Boy: I apparently know how to comfort him like no one else. 

My heart is so happy watching Seth be a dad. He brings a lot to the table that I cannot, such as his gift of music. Almost every night, he pulls out his guitar and plays for Silas. Our seven-month-old already has his favorite songs, including "Crazy on You" by Heart, "What's My Age Again?" by blink-182 and "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons. (You know he really likes a song when he starts to jump up and down like a wild man in his Exersaucer.)

I am looking forward to this next year and the adventures that await us. I want to thank YOU for reading my blog and wish you your best year yet. Cheers to 2018!

Photo Credit to the amazingly talented: Gabe Photography

Related Posts: The Birth Story of Silas Bradley / The Hardest Trimester of Them All / Full-Time Mom / Hi, My Name is SAHM (Stay-At-Home Mom) / Working Again / The Speeding Clock

Journey to Motherhood Series: The Early Months of Trying to Conceive

It all began in the summer of 2014. Somewhere around this time, I had this strong desire to have a child. This was not a part of my original plan.

Original Plan: Seth and I were married in the summer of 2013, and originally, I wanted to wait three years before we tried to have children. I think Seth was more open to having kids right away, but I wanted time for us as a married couple. Time to go on dates and enjoy ourselves without children.

A year and a half into our marriage, a switch was flipped and I had the baby bug. I wanted to have a child.

It took a little convincing for Seth to be on board. For some reason, we swapped spots, and he was now the one who wasn’t ready. We talked about it and decided to begin trying at the beginning of 2015. We planned a vacation to Mexico in February of 2015, and in January, I stopped using birth control.

I had been on birth control for almost seven years, mainly due to my unpredictable and sometimes painful periods. In college, I went three months without a period and decided that was strange. I went on birth control to help regulate and “normalize” my periods. I also didn’t want to endure terrible cramps and heavy bleeding, and birth control seemed to be the perfect solution.

After stopping birth control, I didn’t really know what to expect. Within a few months, my periods were all over the place. 30 days, 40 days, 50 days apart. I would get extremely hopeful the months my period was late. Maybe this was the month and we were pregnant! I would pee on a few pregnancy tests each cycle, only to be disappointed with a negative result and a period showing up a few days later.

One Sunday in late June, I felt off. I took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest of lines. Was I really pregnant? I couldn’t hold in my excitement and I told Seth the news.

We were super excited, but also scared at the same time. How were we going to be parents? Were we capable of keeping a little human alive?

First "Bump" photo taken within days of finding out we were pregnant.

Second "Bump" photo taken. Had no clue what would happen in a few short days...

We decided to put our fears aside and told our family. We couldn’t contain our excitement. But our happiness was short-lived and we miscarried our first baby on July 14, 2015.

Grief. Complete grief. I was absolutely devastated. I didn’t know how to deal with so much sadness. I lost my father in 2013, but this was a different grief. I was sad for losing someone I never even got to meet. I was sad for myself. I was sad for Seth. I was sad for our parents. I wanted a baby so bad and did not understand why God would do this to us. Now, I realize, it was all a part of His plan.

The sadness I felt inspired me to start my blog and I wrote about our miscarriage. I wanted to write it out and let the world know. I’m not really sure why, but getting my emotions out in writing seemed to help me cope. After I posted about our miscarriage, I was connected with others who experienced similar stories. There was comfort in knowing we were not the only ones. Close friends, old friends, aunts, complete strangers. I was amazed to find many other women who had miscarriages too.  

Even though I was still grieving, I still wanted to try. In October, I finally got my period back and we began trying again.

Related Posts: Seven Weeks // The Crazy Things You Do When You are Trying to Conceive // Why 2015 Really Was a Good Year // We Are One in Eight // Lessons on Grief, Loss & Friendship // Connecting with Others Who are Trying to Conceive

Journey to Motherhood Series: Connecting with Others Who are Trying to Conceive

Around this time last year, Seth and I announced to everyone we were pregnant. It was a very exciting time in our lives, because our prayers to be parents were finally answered. I remember there being a time when I wondered if we would ever get the chance to make that type of announcement.  

I recently had an old friend reach out to me and open up about her bumpy pursuit to having a baby. She had a few questions and wanted to know what we did to get pregnant.

This isn’t the first person who has reached out to me for fertility support and advice and it reminded me that Seth and I were once there, not that long ago.

There was a time we were struggling to become parents and all I wanted was for someone to listen; someone to give me advice, hold my hand and let me know it was okay. Don’t get me wrong-my husband has always been there for me and has been my biggest supporter. I just needed to hear from other women who had walked down a similar path in life. There was something motherly and nurturing about connecting with other women who felt similar emotions, experienced similar heartache, and understood. It was also reassuring to talk to or read about women who had success having children, after struggling to conceive.

For some couples, it only takes one try and you’re pregnant. For others, it can take years. Our journey fell somewhere in between and it took us a little under two years. In the grand scheme of things, two years isn’t that long of a time, but when you are trying month after month with no success, two years feels like eternity.

When my friend reached out to me, it reminded me of where I once was and what I really needed at that time in my life. I needed support and wanted advice from other women who struggled to conceive or keep pregnancies.

This recent connection has inspired me to write about my fertility journey. I have this strong desire in my heart to help others who are struggling to become parents. I have glossed over our TTC (Trying to Conceive) story in some of my blog posts, but I haven’t really written out the full details of our experience.

When you are struggling to conceive, you have lots of questions. You want to know what is normal, what you can expect and what others have gone through. I think it’s only human to feel the need to connect and relate and know you are not alone.

I am going to break this up into a few blog posts, or what I like to call, a series (so official, I know).  I will be writing about the specifics of our journey and how we got to where we are today, including fertility treatments and coping through our waiting season.

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Note: I get that a lot of you reading my blog are nowhere near trying to be parents. Maybe you’ve been down this road 20 years ago or you never had kids. Maybe you’re just dating someone or single and not interested in having kids at this time. That’s okay! Perhaps you know someone who is trying to get pregnant or struggling from a recent miscarriage. If that’s the case, let them know about my blog and maybe I can offer some type of encouragement or support.  

Other Note: You will find that I say “fertility” and not “infertility” when writing about our journey. I once read that saying “infertility” can have a negative effect on your outlook when trying to get pregnant. It’s almost like saying you are not fertile and never going to get pregnant, no matter what you do. I prefer to say “fertility”, because it is more positive and leaves room for hope.

The Speeding Clock

Motherhood is absolutely crazy. I seriously feel like I just had my morning cup of coffee and it’s already 8PM and my day is over like that. In a flash.

I thought that working only one day a week, I would have all the time in the world. I would have more time to clean, more time to cook and more time to write for my blog.  Instead, I’m running a mile per minute and have no time for anything. Where in the world do my days go?

Time is going too fast. I’m literally packing it away in boxes, as my five month old has already outgrown his six month (and some nine month) clothing.

I am too much of a perfectionist too. I want everything to be perfect. I want my house to be free of dust and dog hair at all times. I want to work out every day and cook a yummy meal each night. I want to relax and watch a movie with my husband. I want to take a hot bath.

Even though I hate the chaos and unpredictability at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I wanted this for so long and now it is here.  There was a time I feared that motherhood couldn’t be mine and I doubted I’d have a child of my own.

And here I am. Amidst the chaos of parenting. I feel like I’ve finally arrived.

Forget the laundry that needs to be put away or the dirty hair that needs to be washed. You hear it all the time: They will not be this young forever.

The laundry can wait. The hair can stay greasy.

As I rocked my baby to sleep tonight, I realized that this is it. This is what it is all about. This is what I had prayed for.  

In that sweet moment, I held him as he dozed off to sleep. In that moment, time stood still.